disenchantment and the full steam ahead

I am both happy and weary, this fall. every day seems to hold bright new avenues and airy possibilities offering glittery olive branches my way, but my neuroses can't seem to rest long enough for me to believe that the sky might not fall on my head. the canvas of my life holds glorious smears of excitement, and I am starting to feel like myself again after having been down so long, up wasn't even on the radar anymore. my unwavering hope prevailed yet again, but I still feel a little bit stifled and directionless. I suppose that in a broad sense, I've been "now what"-ing ever since I went into remission. and then my mother would argue that I've been procrastinating since I was fetal, even refusing to come out of the womb on time. it's not just maybelline. I was born with that shit.

everything seems to be somewhat organized despite minor hickups, and my house is becoming a home to me and the kitty. I've finished training at the new salon job and re-pinked my hair, I've been pussyfooting around the dating pool again (avoiding the deep end, of course), and I'm still plugging away with mcsweeney's. I'm buying my tickets to new york for the first week of december, and I've bought 5 new coats. (the better to not freeze my ass off with.) and yet, I am still a bit dissatisfied. my honest educated guess is that I would feel much more fulfilled if I spent my free time creating instead of drinking and perpetuating my tramp-age. so much of my time is wasted purely because I feel pointlessly victorious for getting away with it.

and then there's jon, yes, I miss him. I wish I didn't. this breakup was technically my first, and I'm still bewildered by how strange and foreign it is to lose a best friend, although I know that everyone else on the planet has experienced the same and survived, and some even come out better for it. my best friend lives 4 blocks away, but hasn't been to my apartment. my best friend sleeps with his new/old girlfriend, and I sleep with rufus. is it odd that I consistently wrap my head around these things and have to pry and struggle to let go? it isn't as if we were remotely "working".

blarf.

at any rate, I am accentuating the positive. I am almost ready... but for what I don't know. hopefully it is to be the change I want to see.

here are some photos from the infamous election week, aka baracktoberfest:

















some photos borrowed from lydia w.'s flickr.