Wednesday, February 18, 2009

big love

in a not-at-all-surprising turn of events just before my departure, I managed to get myself involved in a demented love triangle with my ex-boyfriend and the girl he screwed around on me with when we lived together. am on the fence regarding if I hate myself more than I hate him, right now. we are not equally at fault, seeing as he is a self-indulgent, two timing liar with no conscience, but I have been duped by him more than a few times. my gluttony for the are-we-or-aren't-we tango is as despicable as his forced fits of depression that he uses as leverage to weasel his way back into good graces after acting like a giant baby.

woke up this morning with a mascara marred face not even a mother could love and entertained a brief lament on the f-bomb riddled text messages I shot off to him in a fit of blinding rage last night, and then was jarred back into reality by the sweet sounds of bathtub sex that my hot roommate was having with his new girlfriend in the next room. seriously? seriously?! fuck roommates, fuck san francisco, fuck it all. fuck it.

my blood is boiling for how stupid I've been, but my reasons for repeated entanglement are all based upon the urgent need to love and be loved. stupid on so many levels, especially because I forget to love myself, getting lost in the valiant yet entirely futile attempts at rescuing other people. he needs to save himself as much as I do, and you can't slap a bandaid on a bullet hole. bouncing from one co-dependent disaster disguised as a relationship to another is no way to grow.

I am so fucking frustrated and I don't have anywhere to put it. why is it so god damn impossible for me to let it die? is this symbolic for my break up with san francisco? is this just another example of my flawed personality that I keep battering my head against jon's brick wall like pavlov's relationship retard?

it's not love, it's a sick addiction. it's inertia, it's gangrene of the heart. it's a tug of war with no referee. I don't see how I could be any more finished... I'm leaving everything behind me. I've got to remember this time. I have to learn. I have to remember this fucked up hellhole of a road to misery and know never to take it again. if I am old enough to move across the country and start a new life, I am old enough to halt the cycle of getting into situations where my heart can be used as a hackey sack by an immature boy who gets off on having two girlfriends at once. this isn't fucking utah.