Tuesday, August 18, 2009

croc tears for the silver screen


today's writing topic, via the modern sophist: stupid movies that make you cry.

when I was a kid my texan born and raised father would often reference a cold woman by quoting a confederate railroad song that went, "she never cried when old yeller died, and I ain't gonna cry when she's gone". now, I never saw old yeller, but it's likely that I skipped that cinematic experience out of fear that I wouldn't be emotionally affected in any sorrowful manner and be judged accordingly. I've never been a dog person.

I suppose it goes without saying that I don't particularly enjoy crying. as far as proper releases go, I much prefer a satisfying sneeze, a toe curling orgasm, or an aromatherapeutic bath with tea light candles and enya 'til I prune. I don't wear waterproof mascara, and I'm not particularly comfortable with anyone (acquaintance or close friend alike) seeing me in a blubbery state. I usually will not allow myself to shed a tear at any movie stupid or otherwise if I'm watching it with someone else. I think the last time I cried watching a movie with someone was during a bette midler flick (and no, it was not Beaches) when zoe starting laughing hysterically as we collectively realized at the same moment that I am doomed to end up exactly like her character in the remake of The Women, where she plays a platinum blonde, flamboyant LA agent in velour juicy sweats who is smuggling pot into an ashram retreat and very vocally damning mother nature and refusing to participate in the yoga classes.

there is one that gets me without fail, though. every time I am channel surfing and see that armageddon is on, I'm inevitably unable to tear my attention away, and every time, I weep like a little newborn bitch when bruce willis saves the world. that scene where he's struggling through the apocalyptic space storm and aerosmith fires up their 1998 power ballad magic and liv tyler is back on earth watching her dad as he's about to detonate the bomb and screams, "daddy, noooooooooooo!". COME ON. tell me the glands in your eyeballs aren't swelling uncontrollably just thinking about it. bruce willis is my old yeller.


"it takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
-jack handy

6 comments:

NathanB said...

I totally know what you mean.

zoe said...

i cry at the snuggles fabric softner comercials, the same comercials that gave me nightmares as a kid.

....damn blogging is cathartic.

Anthony Sheedy said...

Hi. You follow me on Twitter. I just realized that. I was looking at your blog and it included a Jack Handy quote, not crying, Woody Allen, and large breasts. I think I like you. I will be following you now.

You know what movie actually gets me? Forrest Gump.

christina hurricane said...

hey anthony. I liked you first. neener neener!

can I call you lieutenant dan?

Anthony Sheedy said...

Yes, you sure can. That's me; just don't call my friend stupid and I will gladly pay you for sex. It's a simple rule but one that I take very seriously.

Anonymous said...

The father figure risks it all to save his daughter, It's not Bruce baby, I think daddy issues are your, and, indeed my own, old yeller.

yrasstastesgreat