chiquita

"then there was this law of life, so cruel and just, that we must change, or else pay more to remain the same."
-norman mailer, the deer park

tonight is one of the last nights at my treehouse. the streetlamps from the arco station are illuminating the disco ball in my window, casting a swirling mirrored mosaic, and rufus is perched tentatively in the windowsill. after spending nearly a year consistently petrified that he will indulge in a curious catlike impulse to jump, I find myself at peace. I will be the only one who is jumping, right now. my window is open and I'm almost ready.

I bought ramen out of necessity for the first time in 4 years this week, and it feels both uncomfortable and cathartic. delinquent notices and creditors are the only folks I'm receiving mail from, and I'm strangely peaceful about it. I'm present and I'm hopeful. times are tough but I am trying... giving up is not an option nor a trait that I was born with.

I am peeling the layers of unrest down off of me and I'm feeling like an undressed banana. pale and yellow, embarrassed, about to be eaten, et al. I haven't started packing but it will happen soon, getting all of my earthly possessions wrapped in newspaper and set gingerly into boxes, all part of the cyclical nature of never settling down. as it turns out, I'm better at watching people go than leaving.

the summer of masochism is over, and I imagine that I'll lick my wounds and reconfigure again. I'll remember who I was before I lived in the treehouse, and I'll realize who I am going to be. this chapter is closing, and bittersweetly at that. 23 hasn't held any guarantees, but I have not given up on the graces.

preparedness... it's such a double edged notion. a year ago, two years, three. there is no way to know how things will turn out, even despite careful planning and educated guesses. my energies are never focused on sure bets because I know that they are a pipe dream conjured up by religious fanatics. I am both infallible and shaky, at the mercy of fate and at my own. here I go, again.