Monday, September 15, 2008

oh no, not another learning experience!

my cat makes the funniest faces when he's taking a shit. is that juvenile of me to say?

so far in 2008, I've learned that nothing is quite as it seems and free will is an unfunny joke. good intentions are well and fine, but they're often different than what people actually do. I am guilty but my bleeding heart is good, for all intensive purposes. all of this life inventory brouhaha is something I usually save for the new year, but I can't wait that long to feel better. my anxiety has bled into my dreams, previously the only time I had free from it, and now the resulting nightmares have me exhausted and looking like a zombie and all the chainsmoking leaving my vocal chords sharing a charming intonation with jennifer tilly and then perhaps next week, satan. I'm shaky and unsure, and being startled by opening my front door to find myself vis a vis with constance and jon in an accidental mexican standoff yesterday morning made me realize that I am in no way okay, and thus obviously not over it. I literally felt my heart seize up and shrink in my ribcage as I passed her in the doorway and she looked me right in the eye with a snide smirk turning up only one corner of her mouth. (she sure does have an startlingly aggressive glare for a boring jezebel who is half my size.) I really wish I didn't care... and I am fairly certain that I would care a whole lot less if I didn't feel like my home environment was a war zone. jennifer aniston and vince vaughn made it moderately funny in that shitty straight to dvd movie. well guess what, vinny. it's not fucking funny. it fucking sucks. and there's not going to be a happy song in the credits to my movie. it's going to be "famous blue raincoat" or "pitseleh" or fucking... I don't know... a medley of the entire album "exile in guyville"! it's my movie, but I'm not crying because I want to. you might cry too if it happened to you.

I've got this giant novelty eraser that says "BIG mistake" on it that I bought as a gag gift for some e-tard jamboree hotel party from days of yore, and I today I wish it worked like that children's book, harold and his purple crayon. I need an "undo" button for life. a mulligan magic wand. I want a do over. this was not the summer of love I had planned. I've got to report to work in 15 minutes and every time I go in wearing jeans I get asked repeatedly if everything is alright. the funny part is, it's usually not.

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